Treating Parents with Kindness

Allah, the Lord of Majesty, has woven humans into various relationships, making some fathers, others mothers, some sons, and others daughters, thereby granting them their respective affiliations. After establishing these relationships, Allah Almighty has designated their rights, the fulfillment of which is obligatory for everyone. However, the right of parents is mentioned immediately after His worship and obedience in the Holy Quran by Allah, the Lord of Majesty. This indicates that among all relationships, the greatest right is that of the parents.

The Command to Treat Parents with Kindness

The exalted command of Allah is:

۞ وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَـٰنًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّۢ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًۭا كَرِيمًۭا ٢٣

Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and do good to parents. If any one of them or both of them reach old age, do not say to them: uff (a word or expression of anger or contempt) and do not scold them, and address them with respectful words, (17:23)

وَٱخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ مِنَ ٱلرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًۭا ٢٤

and submit yourself before them in humility out of compassion, and say, “My Lord, be merciful to them as they have brought me up in my childhood.” (17:24)

In this noble verse, Allah Almighty has first commanded the worship and obedience to Him alone, stating that one should never worship anyone besides Me. Afterward, it has been said: Deal kindly with your parents. Children should consider that parents are not only the reason for their existence but also, what they are today is due to their blessings. Parents are those who not only endure all kinds of pain, sorrow, and hardship for the sake of their offspring but often sacrifice their comfort, happiness, and desires for their children’s sake.

The Struggle of the Mother

The one who endures the most labor, hardship, and pain is the mother, as the command of Allah Almighty is:

وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ إِحْسَـٰنًا ۖ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُۥ كُرْهًۭا وَوَضَعَتْهُ كُرْهًۭا ۖ وَحَمْلُهُۥ وَفِصَـٰلُهُۥ ثَلَـٰثُونَ شَهْرًا ۚ حَتَّىٰٓ إِذَا بَلَغَ أَشُدَّهُۥ وَبَلَغَ أَرْبَعِينَ سَنَةًۭ قَالَ رَبِّ أَوْزِعْنِىٓ أَنْ أَشْكُرَ نِعْمَتَكَ ٱلَّتِىٓ أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَىَّ وَعَلَىٰ وَٰلِدَىَّ وَأَنْ أَعْمَلَ صَـٰلِحًۭا تَرْضَىٰهُ وَأَصْلِحْ لِى فِى ذُرِّيَّتِىٓ ۖ إِنِّى تُبْتُ إِلَيْكَ وَإِنِّى مِنَ ٱلْمُسْلِمِينَ ١٥

And We have enjoined upon man to do good to his parents. His mother carried him with difficulty and delivered him with difficulty. And his carrying and his weaning is (in) thirty months, until when he attains his maturity and reaches forty years, he says, “My Lord, grant me that I offer gratitude for the favour You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents, and that I do righteous deeds that You like. And set righteousness, for my sake, in my progeny. Of course, I repent to you, and truly I am one of those who submit to You.” (46:15)

The pain of nine [9] months of pregnancy and even more than that, the pain of childbirth, all this is endured by the mother. When a child is born, now for its upbringing, the father endures hard work and toil, be it cold or heat, health or sickness, he bears the difficulties of earning a livelihood for the sake of his offspring and earns for them, spends on them. The mother nurtures the child inside the home, breastfeeds it, endures the heat and cold for the sake of protecting the child from them. When the child is sick, the parents become restless, their sleeps are disturbed, they make rounds of doctors and hospitals for its treatment. In essence, parents sacrifice their comfort and ease for the sake of their children. Therefore, just as Allah Almighty has commanded to be grateful to Him, He has also commanded to remain grateful to one’s parents alongside. In Surah Luqman, Allah Almighty says:

وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُۥ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍۢ وَفِصَـٰلُهُۥ فِى عَامَيْنِ أَنِ ٱشْكُرْ لِى وَلِوَٰلِدَيْكَ إِلَىَّ ٱلْمَصِيرُ ١٤

We commanded man (to be good) in respect of his parents. His mother carried him (in her womb) despite weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. (We said to man,) “Be grateful to Me, and to your parents. To Me is the ultimate return. (31:14)

Someone asked Hazrat Ibn Umar (رضي الله عنه), “I carried my mother on my shoulders from Khorasan to the House of Allah and performed the rituals of Hajj in the same manner, carrying her on my shoulders. Have I fulfilled my duty towards my mother?” Hazrat Abdullah Ibn Umar (رضي الله عنه) replied, “No, not at all. All of this does not even equal one round she made carrying you in her womb. Allah Almighty has commanded to treat parents with kindness.

وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا

Behave with them with utmost humility and modesty, and with honor and respect, do not be disrespectful, do not be arrogant, obey them in every situation, except when they order disobedience to Allah, then their obedience is not permissible. In Surah Al-Ankabut, the noble commandment of Allah Almighty is:

وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حُسْنًۭا ۖ وَإِن جَـٰهَدَاكَ لِتُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلْمٌۭ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَآ ۚ إِلَىَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ ٨

We have instructed man to do good to his parents. And if they insist upon you that you should ascribe partners to Me, then do not obey them. To Me is your return; then I shall tell you what you used to do.(29:8)

Someone asked Hazrat Hassan Ata Allah (رضي الله عنه) how to behave kindly towards parents. He replied: “Spend your wealth on them and follow their commands, but if they order you to commit a sin, do not obey.” Hazrat Ibn Abbas (رضي الله عنه) stated that part of being kind to parents includes not shaking your clothes in front of them, lest the dust from your clothes falls on them.

God Almighty specifically commanded kindness towards parents in their old age, mentioning, “If one of them or both reach old age in your life, do not say ‘Uff’ to them nor rebuke them.” This emphasis is because during the youth of parents, children are less likely to talk back or be disrespectful, but the fear of disrespect increases as parents age and become dependent on their children. With age, parents may become irritable or easily angered over minor or even rightful matters. This becomes a test for the children, whether they respond with patience and kindness or with disdain.

Hazrat Ali (رضي الله عنه) said: “If there were anything less significant than ‘Uff’ considered disrespect towards parents, Allah Almighty would have prohibited that too.”

Hazrat Mujahid (رحمه الله) stated: “Even if your parents become old and you have to clean their urine, do not say ‘Uff,’ for they cleaned your urine and feces when you were a child.

Respect for Parents

It is narrated from Hazrat Aisha (رضي الله عنها), she says that: A man appeared before the Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) accompanied by an elderly man. The Prophet (ﷺ) asked, “Who is this elderly man?” The man replied, “This is my father,” to which the Prophet (ﷺ) said

لا تمش أمامه، ولا تقعد قبله، ولا تدعه باسمه، ولا تستب له

Do not walk ahead of them, do not sit before them in a gathering, do not call them by their name, do not insult them

In old age, when something said by parents seems unpleasant, how should one converse with them? Regarding this, Allah Almighty has stated:

۞ وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَـٰنًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّۢ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًۭا كَرِيمًۭا ٢٣

Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and do good to parents. If any one of them or both of them reach old age, do not say to them: uff (a word or expression of anger or contempt) and do not scold them, and address them with respectful words, (17:23)

وَٱخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ مِنَ ٱلرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًۭا ٢٤

and submit yourself before them in humility out of compassion, and say, “My Lord, be merciful to them as they have brought me up in my childhood.” (17:24)

This means to remain humbly bowed in their presence with kindness. Someone asked Hazrat Urwah (رضي الله عنه) what does it mean in the Quran when Allah commands to stay bowed in front of parents? He replied, “If they say something that displeases you, do not even look at them with a sideways glance because a person’s displeasure is first recognized from their eyes. And he advised to adopt such a demeanor in their presence that your actions do not hinder the fulfillment of their heartfelt desires, and do not be stingy in presenting whatever your parents like in their service. The command to serve and obey parents is not confined to any particular time or age; rather, it is obligatory to treat parents with kindness at all ages, because serving parents and securing their satisfaction entails Allah’s satisfaction, and His displeasure lies in their displeasure.

The pleasure and displeasure of Allah Almighty

حَدَّثَنَا آدَمُ، قَالَ‏: ‏ حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، قَالَ‏: ‏ حَدَّثَنَا يَعْلَى بْنُ عَطَاءٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللهِ بْنِ عُمَرَ قَالَ‏: ‏ رِضَا الرَّبِّ فِي رِضَا الْوَالِدِ، وَسَخَطُ الرَّبِّ فِي سَخَطِ الْوَالِدِ‏.‏

‘Abdullah ibn ‘Umar said, “The pleasure of the Lord lies in the pleasure of the parent. The anger of the Lord lies in the anger of the parent.” (Al-Adab Al-Mufrad)

The gates of Heaven or Hell

من أصبح مطيعا في والديه أصبح له بابان مفتوحان من الجنة، وإن كان واحدا فواحدا، ومن أمسى عاصيا الله في والديه أصبح له بابان مفتوحان من النار ، وإن كان واحدا فواحدا، قال الرجل: وإن ظلماه؟ قال: وإن ظلماه وإن ظلماه، وإن ظلماه .

This means that for the person who wakes up in a state where they remain obedient to Allah regarding fulfilling the rights of their parents, two gates of Paradise are open for them. And if one of the parents is alive and they treat them with kindness, then one gate of Paradise remains open. And whoever disobeys Allah in fulfilling the rights of their parents, not treating them kindly according to His commands, then two gates of Hell remain open for them. And if one of the parents is alive and they are treated poorly, then one gate of Hell remains open.

Someone asked: “O Prophet of Allah (ﷺ)! Even if the parents have been unjust to him?” He (ﷺ) said three times: “Even if the parents have been unjust.

Making arrangements for praying for parents

Allah Almighty has commanded to treat parents with kindness, and at the same time, has also taught to pray for them. Thus, the divine commandment states:

وَٱخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ مِنَ ٱلرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًۭا ٢٤

and submit yourself before them in humility out of compassion, and say, “My Lord, be merciful to them as they have brought me up in my childhood.”(17:24)

After every prayer, make it a practice to pray for your parents. There are two very simple prayers, the teachings of which Allah Almighty Himself has mentioned in the Holy Quran. One is for parents, and the other is:

رَبَّنَا ٱغْفِرْ لِى وَلِوَٰلِدَىَّ وَلِلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَوْمَ يَقُومُ ٱلْحِسَابُ ٤١

Our Lord, forgive me and my parents and all believers on the day when reckoning shall take place.” (14:41)

Hazrat Sufyan bin Ayyinah (رضي الله عنه) said:

من صلى الصلوات الخمس فقد شكر الله، ومن دعا للوالدين في أدبار الصلوات الخمس فقد شكر الوالدين

Whoever took responsibility for the regular performance of the five daily prayers has, as if, expressed gratitude to Allah. And whoever prayed for the well-being of their parents after the five prayers, as if, they have shown gratitude to their parents. The supplication of children elevates the status of parents.

Increase in sustenance

Behaving well with parents is the cause of increase in provision and lifespan. Hazrat Anas (رضي الله عنه) narrates that the Holy Prophet (ﷺ) said:

من ، أحب أن يمد الله في عمره ويزيد في رزقه فليبر والديه، وليصل رحمه

The person wishes that Allah grants them a long life and increases their sustenance. Therefore, they should engage in acts of kindness and goodness with their parents and maintain good relations with their relatives.

In a Hadith, the Holy Prophet (ﷺ) said:

بروا آباء كم تبركم أبناؤكم

You should behave kindly with your parents, and your children will behave kindly with you.

The manner of treating one’s parents after death

Both parents have passed away, or one of them has, and there has been a lack of good treatment towards them during their lifetime. Now, how can we make amends? The Holy Prophet (ﷺ) has also given guidance on this matter. Hazrat Abu Asid (رضي الله عنه) narrates that we were in the service of the Holy Prophet (ﷺ) when a person came and inquired, ‘Is there anything through which I can still be kind to my parents after their demise?’ The Holy Prophet (ﷺ) replied:

و عن أبي أُسَيد- بضم الهمزة وفتح السين- مالك بن ربيعة الساعدي رضي الله عنه قال‏: ‏ بينا نحن جلوس عند رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم إذ جاءه رجل من بني سلمة فقال‏: ‏ يا رسول الله هل بقي من بر أبوي شيء أبرهما به بعد موتهما‏؟‏ فقال‏: ‏ ‏ “‏ نعم، الصلاة عليهما، والاستغفار لهما، وإنفاذ عهدهما من بعدهما، وصلة الرحم التي لا توصل إلا بهما، وإكرام صديقهما‏”‏ ‏(‏‏(‏رواه أبو داود‏)‏‏)‏‏.‏

Abu Usaid Malik bin Rabi’ah As-Sa’idi (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: We were sitting with Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) when a man of Banu Salamah came to him and asked, “O Messenger of Allah! Is there any obedience to parents left that I can show to them after their death?” He (ﷺ) replied, “Yes, to pray for them, to supplicate for their forgiveness, to fulfill their promises after their death, to maintain the ties of kinship which cannot be maintained except through them, and honour their friends.” (Riyad as-Salihin)

May Allah, the Almighty, bless all the believers with the ability to treat their parents kindly, Ameen, then Ameen.

والدین کے ساتھ حسن سلوک